How to have a stress-free Christmas — our experts’ survival guide
By Jean-Claude Chalmet, as told to Anna Maxted for The Times, 21st December 2024.
Therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet offers his expert advice on how to have a stress free christmas.
How not to spread yourself too thinly
You “dread Christmas” but insist on doing everything yourself perfectly every year for 30 guests. Perhaps you need to examine your logic. You feel overwhelmed and exhausted but refuse help. Why? Are all your family lazy and incompetent? Is no delegation possible? Or is the situation self-imposed?
When a martyr — very often a woman — sits in my therapy room telling me this story of suffering, we explore what she’s trying to communicate with such behaviour. Does she need to convince everyone, especially herself, that she’s amazing? Does she want to be seen as a victim and make others feel guilty? (“I got up at five to put on the turkey! Well who else is going to do it?”)
Some people feel shame in asking for help because they think it means they’re not good enough. Not only is this untrue, it denies others the pleasure of being involved and invested. Embrace this opportunity for connection, and a sense of belonging for all. Let Auntie Angela make her soggy orange cake. Everyone will enjoy the day more.
How to manage other people’s bratty children
Their parents think they’re perfect. You think they’re brats, and worry about how they’ll impact Christmas. Let me stress, this situation is more delicate than a glass bauble. Do not betray even a hint of your negative feelings. Act as if the children’s wellbeing is all you have in mind. Keep jolly. Any hint of irritation or dislike and you can wave goodbye to peace and goodwill. Parents and kids will sense it, and the day will be wretched.
In all fairness, it’s unrealistic to expect any child to sit still and behave for six hours straight. I suggest that when plans are discussed, you say: “We want the kids to have a lovely time — what can we do?” Set up a room with a TV, where they can retreat to — possibly even with their phones — when they tire of adult company (because that’s how you’re framing it). Mount a charm offensive. Ask the kids to help you to fetch the presents or light the Christmas pudding. While some will be coolly dismissive — in which case, graciously withdraw — it’s always worth trying to lean in.
How not to revert to being a child when you go back to your parents
Your advantage is that you know the family dynamics. You’re fully aware of who becomes bossy and patronising, who turns harsh and critical, making you feel like a sullen teen. Before the day, reflect on who and what usually upsets you or causes tension, and consider how you’d like to respond to your sibling metaphorically pulling your ponytail or your parent commenting on your puppy fat. The rule is, you can’t expect your family to change, you can only change how you react to them. Practise remaining untouchably serene. Tell yourself: “It’s just how they are, it’s only a day, and I won’t rise to it.” If you feel yourself simmering with rage or tears, remove yourself from the room for five minutes to gain emotional and physical distance and regain calm — “I’m just going to check on the kids/potatoes/dog.” But exit like an adult (no flouncing or door slamming!).
